Thursday, May 28, 2015


Weird.  Radical.

For two years we've been throwing around words like these.  We've been talking about what it means to live sold out for God.  To follow whatever He tells you to do.  We want to live a legacy of obedience for our children.  When we talk about people we want to be like it's always people who are not afraid to go on adventures.  People who are willing to serve God whatever the cost.

We want to be weird and radical.  But we never imagined what that would mean for us.  A little over a month ago, Brad and I flew down to New Mexico so that he could interview at a hospital down there.  To find out how we got to his point, you can read more about it here.  Yesterday, Brad accepted a position at the hospital down there.  In about a month, we will be moving our whole family down to New Mexico.  It's very exciting.  There is so much to look forward to.  We are especially excited about the chance to live at the school.  When we were there for Brad's interview, everyone we told about the school had heard of it and spoke very highly of it.  We are excited to be part of such a wonderful ministry in the community.  We're not completely sure what our role will be, but we are ready and willing to be used however God wants to.

We're not naive about this transition.  We know it's going to be hard to be so far away from all of our friends and family, but we also know that we are doing what God wants us to do.  That means He goes before us and prepares the way.  It's comforting to know that God is with us.  We've been clinging to Joshua 1:9 where God says, "Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."  These words are very encouraging as we start this new journey.  I don't know what God has planned for us, but I know that he goes with us.  This journey is weird.  It's radical.  And I'm so excited to be on it.

Saturday, May 9, 2015

Mother's Day 2015

I've always known I wanted to be a mom.  It's what I was made for.  But in the four and a half years that I've been a mom I've discovered that fulfilling your dream is a lot of pressure.  Your "dream" is what you live your whole life for.  You think that your life is not enough until that dream has been fulfilled.  So we strive so hard towards this goal, thinking that once we reach it everything will be great.  Everything will just fall into place and it will finally be our happily ever after.

But the reality is that doesn't come.

Sure, you can fulfill your dream.  I became a mom on October 31, 2010.  But since then, my life has been anything but perfect.  I fell in love with Micah the moment he was put on my chest and I got to look at his little blue eyes.  I loved holding him close to me knowing that I was all he needed.  But it didn't take long for me to realize he was not all I needed.

Being a mom can sometimes be so lonely.  I wasn't ready for that.  I'm home all day with three boys, ages four and under.  I'm surrounded by whining and crying and diapers and little noises that are completely not understandable.  I have to be the judge, the peacemaker, the cook, the personal assistant, the train engineer, the maid, the activity coordinator, and so much more.  And often that's in the first 15 minutes of my day.

I know there are other moms going through the same thing I am.  I've talked with them.  Other moms who are desperate for some time away from their home.  Who just want someone else to talk to using words that are longer than two syllables.  But we don't have time for that.  There is too much to do.  And it can start to feel like this dream that I've dreamt of my whole life is not all it was cracked up to be.

The truth is I would not trade my life for anything in the world.  Being a mom is so rewarding.  For all the fights I have to break up and the bickering back and forth there are moments when they are playing together so well.  Moments where one brother is looking out for the other.  And several times a day, I hear, "Mommy, I love you to the moon and back" randomly.  These boys are my life.  But when I put my self-worth in them and I start measuring my success by them it all falls to pieces.

Because no one is more aware of how I fail them than I am.  '

When I think about fulfilling my dream, I expect perfection.  And it didn't take long for me to realize that I will never be the perfect mom.  But I keep striving for it.  And I keep disappointing myself.  So, instead of seeing my children and my role as mom as my dream fulfilled, I am seeing them as the blessing they are.  I've been trusted with these three amazing blessings from God.  He trusts me to care for them and love them and teach them about His love.  But he doesn't expect perfection from me.  And he doesn't expect me to do it on my own.  He has given me His grace.  He has given me His Word to guide me and help me.  This journey is not an easy one.  I still struggle every day.  I fear I'm going to mess my kids up forever.  I still want to be the best and give my best at everything, but I'm learning there is grace.  Grace for me.  And grace for my children because I will never get it all right.

So, I'm taking the pressure off myself.  My role as mother is an amazing gift.  But it's just that: a gift.  So I'm going to enjoy it.  Because they're only little for such a short amount of time.