When this whole journey to New Mexico started, I kind of felt like I was just following my husband's lead. He's never before felt God speak to him so clearly, and I have never before seen him lead our family so strongly. So I knew I had to follow him. We've had many conversations about this journey. We've gone through many reason why God has brought us here. To help us become financially free? So that we could volunteer at Rehoboth School? To live a simpler life? To grow closer together as a family? So that I could start a mom's group? Does it have to do with people Brad will serve at work? For the boys?
I still have no idea why God has brought us here. Maybe all of these reasons have some validity. Maybe none of them. But I can already tell you this move has changed my life. I have honestly seen this move as more about Brad. Or the boys. It doesn't have much to do with me. I'm just along for the ride. But I am discovering that I am so wrong. I thought that picking up my life and moving 1500 miles away from everyone I know was good enough. I thought I had done a good thing. God was proud of me for trusting Him in this and now everything is going to fall into place. I would love for it to work out like that, and maybe it will, but my job is not over.
God doesn't look at my obedience and trust in moving here and say, "Way to go, Amanda! You passed the test. Now everything else in life will go exactly as you want it." No, moving here was only the beginning of my surrender.
Ever since we got here a week ago, I've been wrestling with God. I have felt him telling me there is more. More than I can even imagine. But I have to surrender. Everything. I have to surrender all that I have been clinging so tightly to. My security. My comfort. My things. I have to be willing to give him anything he wants. That doesn't mean he's going to take it all away from me, but until I surrender completely to Him, I will not be able to experience the full blessing that He wants to give me.
But the truth is I'm not ready for that yet. I still want to hold on to my comfort. My security. I like watching TV at night or having a closet full of clothes. And so we wrestle. I know what I have to do, but I don't want to. But the funny thing is, I can't run away from Him. He is everywhere. Turning my heart toward Him so that soon I have nowhere else to go but to Him.
I started reading Anything by Jennie Allen before we left. I had seen it recommended on a blog I read and it sounded like it fit with what I was going through. In the beginning, the book was not what I expected, but it quickly was exactly what I needed. A book about surrendering it all to God so that He can do more than you could ever imagine. So that He can fill you so completely it won't matter what you're going through because you have Jesus. I am undone by this book. It has spoken to me like no book I've ever read has. I'm not ready for surrender, but this book was a gift from God, pushing me in that direction. I want to give Him my all. I want to surrender everything so that he can have anything he wants. And I know the time will come soon when I will be able to say that and honestly mean it. And I cannot wait to see what it is for. To see what work He is going to do.
Maybe this journey is really about me and surrendering completely to God. Maybe he had to bring me 1500 miles away from everything and everyone I know so that He could capture my heart.