Weird

Weird.  Radical.

For two years we've been throwing around words like these.  We've been talking about what it means to live sold out for God.  To follow whatever He tells you to do.  We want to live a legacy of obedience for our children.  When we talk about people we want to be like it's always people who are not afraid to go on adventures.  People who are willing to serve God whatever the cost.

We want to be weird and radical.  But we never imagined what that would mean for us.  A little over a month ago, Brad and I flew down to New Mexico so that he could interview at a hospital down there.  To find out how we got to his point, you can read more about it here.  Yesterday, Brad accepted a position at the hospital down there.  In about a month, we will be moving our whole family down to New Mexico.  It's very exciting.  There is so much to look forward to.  We are especially excited about the chance to live at the school.  When we were there for Brad's interview, everyone we told about the school had heard of it and spoke very highly of it.  We are excited to be part of such a wonderful ministry in the community.  We're not completely sure what our role will be, but we are ready and willing to be used however God wants to.

We're not naive about this transition.  We know it's going to be hard to be so far away from all of our friends and family, but we also know that we are doing what God wants us to do.  That means He goes before us and prepares the way.  It's comforting to know that God is with us.  We've been clinging to Joshua 1:9 where God says, "Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."  These words are very encouraging as we start this new journey.  I don't know what God has planned for us, but I know that he goes with us.  This journey is weird.  It's radical.  And I'm so excited to be on it.

Mother's Day 2015

I've always known I wanted to be a mom.  It's what I was made for.  But in the four and a half years that I've been a mom I've discovered that fulfilling your dream is a lot of pressure.  Your "dream" is what you live your whole life for.  You think that your life is not enough until that dream has been fulfilled.  So we strive so hard towards this goal, thinking that once we reach it everything will be great.  Everything will just fall into place and it will finally be our happily ever after.

But the reality is that doesn't come.

Sure, you can fulfill your dream.  I became a mom on October 31, 2010.  But since then, my life has been anything but perfect.  I fell in love with Micah the moment he was put on my chest and I got to look at his little blue eyes.  I loved holding him close to me knowing that I was all he needed.  But it didn't take long for me to realize he was not all I needed.

Being a mom can sometimes be so lonely.  I wasn't ready for that.  I'm home all day with three boys, ages four and under.  I'm surrounded by whining and crying and diapers and little noises that are completely not understandable.  I have to be the judge, the peacemaker, the cook, the personal assistant, the train engineer, the maid, the activity coordinator, and so much more.  And often that's in the first 15 minutes of my day.

I know there are other moms going through the same thing I am.  I've talked with them.  Other moms who are desperate for some time away from their home.  Who just want someone else to talk to using words that are longer than two syllables.  But we don't have time for that.  There is too much to do.  And it can start to feel like this dream that I've dreamt of my whole life is not all it was cracked up to be.

The truth is I would not trade my life for anything in the world.  Being a mom is so rewarding.  For all the fights I have to break up and the bickering back and forth there are moments when they are playing together so well.  Moments where one brother is looking out for the other.  And several times a day, I hear, "Mommy, I love you to the moon and back" randomly.  These boys are my life.  But when I put my self-worth in them and I start measuring my success by them it all falls to pieces.

Because no one is more aware of how I fail them than I am.  '

When I think about fulfilling my dream, I expect perfection.  And it didn't take long for me to realize that I will never be the perfect mom.  But I keep striving for it.  And I keep disappointing myself.  So, instead of seeing my children and my role as mom as my dream fulfilled, I am seeing them as the blessing they are.  I've been trusted with these three amazing blessings from God.  He trusts me to care for them and love them and teach them about His love.  But he doesn't expect perfection from me.  And he doesn't expect me to do it on my own.  He has given me His grace.  He has given me His Word to guide me and help me.  This journey is not an easy one.  I still struggle every day.  I fear I'm going to mess my kids up forever.  I still want to be the best and give my best at everything, but I'm learning there is grace.  Grace for me.  And grace for my children because I will never get it all right.

So, I'm taking the pressure off myself.  My role as mother is an amazing gift.  But it's just that: a gift.  So I'm going to enjoy it.  Because they're only little for such a short amount of time.

Following my Husband's Lead

“Honey, would you tell me if I was crazy?”

Those are not the words you want to be woken up with in the middle of the night.  But that’s exactly how my husband woke me up almost three months ago.  Then, he proceeded to lay out this plan for me that he thinks God is calling him (us) to.  As a pharmacist, he has accrued a significant amount of student debt and we had recently decided that we wanted to aggressively attack that debt.  Work was also becoming more stressful for him and we were discovering just how un-flexible his schedule is and how nice it would be for him to have a job that allows him to be home more.  The night he woke me up, he was driving home from work when he was hit with an idea.  He remembered hearing that the Indian Health Services offers loan-repayment programs for pharmacists that work in some of the most under-served area.  While I was sleeping, he stayed up researching the program.  In college, I did my student teaching at a small Christian school near Gallup, NM.  When I left New Mexico, Brad remembers me saying I didn’t feel my story was done there yet.  He also remembers how much I loved the school and the community there.  He figured if he could find a hospital with an open pharmacy position near the school it might be something worth pursuing.  Sure enough, the hospital in Gallup is not only part of the program, but also had an opening.  By time he woke me up, he had it all figured out.  He could work at the hospital and we could live on the school campus each volunteering our time there.  We would have no problem making friends and our children would experience a wonderful culture, a great sense of community, and live in one of the most beautiful places in the United States. 

          Fast forward almost three months later, we’re still pursuing this crazy thought.  A couple weeks ago we put our house on the market (something that was planned even before this crazy thought!).  Last week, we made a quick trip out to New Mexico for an interview and a chance to see the hospital and talk to the school.  We still don’t know what is going to happen.  My husband is convinced that God is calling us to.  For nearly two years, we’ve been throwing around words like “weird” and “radical” when talking about our faith and here we are with an opportunity to live out those words.  On the outside, this might appear to be a very brave thing, but the truth is I’m terrified.  I have made many long-distance trips away from my family, but I have never moved away from them.  And I have never moved my whole family to a place where we know no one.  The truth is I’m terrified.  Gallup is a fairly remote area with no Target in sight!  I have to start over.  I’m scared of being in my house all day with my children while my husband is at work meeting new people.  I’m scared of not being connected.  I’m scared of my children being away from their grandparents and celebrating birthdays and holidays alone.        Even though these fears are real and very possible I’m trusting both my husband and God.  I’m trusting that my husband is following the lead of the Lord and doing what He wants us to do.  I’m trusting that my husband is listening for the Lord’s leading in our lives.  And I’m trusting that God will be by my (our!) side the whole time.  If this is God’s plan for our lives, we do not go alone.  He will give us his peace.  He prepares the way for us.  That does not mean it is going to be easy.  I, personally, have found great solace in the story of Moses leading the Israelites into the Promised Land.  Even though Moses was doing what God told him to do, he was met with obstacles the whole way.  But in the end, the Israelites made it and they had God’s physical presence with them in the form of the pillar of fire and cloud the entire time.  I’m holding onto that promise.  The promise that God knows what He is doing and He is with me every step of the way, I need only trust Him.

Rest

I've been thinking about rest a lot these past several months.  I'm not talking about sleep (though as the mom of three children ages 4 and under sleep is never far from my mind), I'm talking about rest.  Slowing down and just being still.  Rest.

Rest is not something I'm good at.  I always want to be doing everything.  I like to be involved in as many activities as I can and that did not change once I had children.  I know that as my boys get older there will be even more opportunities for them to be involved in activities.  I know how important it is for us to set the tone now before our schedule starts to overtake us.

Several months ago, this tension between desiring rest and wanting to be part of everything came to a head for me.  We had several different things going on and I felt so overwhelmed.  I knew that I had too much on my plate because I was often very short with my husband and my children rarely got to be at home and play.  My life was full of good things, but it was too full.  I knew that something had to give, but I wanted to do everything that I was doing. 

One night, Brad and I sat down and had a very long conversation.  Together, we decided that it was time to start cutting back on our schedule.  We looked at our schedule and decided on a couple of things to cut out, including my women's Bible study night and my leadership positions with my mom's group.  This helped to make our marriage a priority as well as give me time to focus on the kids at home.  It especially helped me schedule time regularly for homeschooling with Micah, which is something that was very important to us.  It was extremely difficult for me to make these cuts.  I loved these groups and the women I got to spend time with as a result of being in these groups. 

It has now been three months since I stepped down and it has been a wonderful time of rest for my whole family.  The time spent with my children has been such a blessing.  My marriage has grown and we have prioritized our time together.  I don't know why I was so hesitant to make these changes.  I guess I was afraid I would miss out.  But God knew what He was doing when He made rest one of His commandments.  The purpose of rest is not just to be lazy.  It's actually a blessing from God.  He wants us to stop our busyness and slow down.  To enjoy what is right in front of us.  I've been studying Moses and the Israelites this year.  At one point, God even commanded that they take a full year off and celebrate His faithfulness.  I'm sure they questioned the practicality of that.  They had to fully trust God and rely on His provisions.  But that is a hard thing to do.  There's always more to do and we wonder how it will all get done.  If we take a day off there's no way that everything we need to do will get done.  But the truth is we can get it all done.  And we will be blessed beyond anything we could imagine because we are obeying the Lord. 

I can personally attest to the blessings of taking that time to rest.  I am still learning so much through this time of rest, but I am excited to see what God is going to teach us as we continue to follow Him and trust Him for all of our needs.

One Word--Intentional

New Year's Eve is my holiday.  I love everything about it.  I love looking back on the past year and thinking about everything that has happened.  I love eating junk food and telling yourself it's the last time because tomorrow is a new year and a new you.  I love staying up late and spending time with family and friends.  I love playing games, watching movies, standing outside on my back deck and watching fireworks from the town square. 

But by far my favorite is waking up the next morning to a new start.  I love that I get to decide who I want to be and now is the perfect time to start making those changes to be that person.  I am a goal-oriented person.  I really do well with goals, they give me a focus and help get me to where I want to go.  Every year in the week between Christmas and New Year's I like to work on setting new goals for myself.  I look at all areas of my life: spiritual, my role as a wife, a mom, a friend, my health, recreational, etc.  There are always changes I want to make, and while I know I can start working towards those changes at any time there's just something about New Year's that just really motivates me.

Several years ago I was introduced to the idea of choosing one word to focus my year.  I immediately loved this idea.  One word to help me set goals.  One word to help me make decisions, to really focus on.  I am a firm believer that I don't actually choose my word.  Instead, God has always put a word on my heart several weeks before the new year begins.  I know that it's what I'm supposed to choose. 

This year, my word is intentional.

I want to be more intentional in all areas of my life.  Recently, I have decided to slow down.  I'm cutting out activities and creating more time in my life.  Now I have to decide what I'm going to do with that time.  I want to be intentional with what I choose to do.  Part of being intentional means reaching out to others and strengthening friendships or creating new ones.  Regularly inviting people to our house to join us in sharing a meal.  Calling a friend and asking if she wants to get together for coffee to just chat.  Making time to call my long-distnace friends and catch up.  Inviting a new mom to my house for a playdate.

It means spending my time with my kids wisely.  Rather than getting on the computer to check facebook it means choosing to spend time playing with them.  Choosing activities for my children that have a purpose.  They can be fun, but when deciding between activities (or whether to do something or not), I will ask myself how this fits into my goal to be intentional this year. 

Being intentional means making time to be with my husband.  Ignoring the mess around us and sitting down on the couch to talk with him.  Making date night a priority (we've even put it on the calendar for a specific day each month).  Setting aside time each week to talk about the "business" things we need to discuss together so that they don't get forgotten. 

I love how this one word can drive so much that I do.  It's like the measuring stick I use when deciding what to do or how to spend my time.  This year I want to be more intentional.  What one word do you want to focus on this year?

Let the Little Children Come

Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”  Matthew 19:14

I have always had a heart for children.  Jesus says that the kingdom of heaven belong to them.  He holds them in high esteem.  But so many today do not.  We see children as a distraction.  They get in the way of our plans.  They make things so much more difficult.  They are unimportant.  But that simply is not true.  In Matthew 18, Jesus tells us to be like children.  He never tells the little children to act more grown up, to stop playing around, to sit still.  No, he tells the grown ups to act more like children.  Particularly, in the way in which we worship.  I have always enjoyed watching children worship.  They don't care what is going on around them.  They just have to move.  They experience the music with their whole body.  They are so moved that they cannot sit still and listen, their whole bodies have to join them in worship.  And when they know the words to the song they can't help but SING.  I love when the little kids sing with all their hearts, yelling from the top of their lungs.  They are completely unaware of what is going on around them because their focus is on worshipping. 

Something happens as we get older.  We become self-conscious and start worrying more about what others around us will think then what our Maker thinks.  We become more concerned with what we are getting out of church then what we are bringing to church.  Suddenly, Sunday morning is about how long service went over and how that cuts into my time.  We care more about what we get out of the service than how we are worshipping God through the service.  Somewhere along the way, church stops being about God and starts being about me. 

There are so many reasons that we have chosen to keep our four year old in service with us.  But the biggest reason is because he matters to God.  He's important.  God does not push him aside.  God welcomes him to His table and I never want him to feel rejected by God or His people.  When I see my son dancing during the singing it brings me so much joy.  I think it's a little glimpse of what Heaven will be like.  He is filled wish so much joy and excitement.  He loves listening to the songs and he can't help himself, he has to move.  And when the offering basket is passed he gives his little coins so willingly and cheerfully.  I worry about getting the basket passed to the next person quickly, but he wants to talk about what he's doing.  "I have to put the coin in here, Mommy?"  "This money goes to God?"  "What is God going to do with my money?"  "Look Mommy, I'm putting my coins in here." 

There is no doubt that the hardest part of keeping him in the service is during the sermon.  He's a typical four-year-old.  It's hard for him to sit still.  He doesn't understand much of what is being said.  He has lots of questions.  It's hard.  I spend so much of the sermon talking to him, telling him to be quiet, sit still, explaining things to him, answering questions, reading the Bible with him, etc.  I honestly miss probably at least 60% of the sermon because I'm distracted by him.  But he's worth it.  He has real questions.  He wants to know why Sarah laughed when God told her she would have a baby.  He doesn't understand that she would just believe what God said.  He wants to know why Jesus had to die on the cross.  Why did the men want to hurt him?  He hears what the pastor is saying.  He reads the story in his Bible.  I have to explain a lot to him.  But in my explaining I am also learning a lot.  His questions are so real and genuine, questions that I am afraid to ask myself.  Things that I just read past and don't even think about.  Things that I just accept without even thinking why or how.

I know my son is a distraction sometimes, but he's learning.  He sees me and my husband and other adults he knows coming to church every Sunday.  He sees us singing songs in worship.  He sees us liftting others  up in prayer.  He sees us reading our Bible and listening to the pastor's teaching.  But most importantly, he sees us accepting him and teaching him.  He sees that he is loved by his church family.  He sees that he is important in God's eyes.  And me?  I feel like I get to experience just a little bit what it will be like in Heaven someday when all ages join together and sing and dance and praise God with uninhibited joy.  When together  none of us will care about what is going on around us because we will be all-consumed with praising Jesus.  And He will welcome each of us with open arms just as we are.

Good Enough

When I was in high school youth group a phrase that was repeated often was "If better is possible, then good is not enough."  I loved this saying.  I took it to heart.  Maybe a little too much.

I am your stereotypical type-A perfectionist and this phrase really resonated with me.  If I'm going to do something, I never give less than 100%.  If something can be done "better" then that's how I'm going to do it.  But since becoming a mom four years ago, I have discovered this is a phrase I actually need to let go of. 

In the age of facebook and pinterest, it is easy to think that everyone else has it all together.  Beautiful pictures of delicious, home cooked meals, posts about how well siblings are playing together, children doing nice craft projects to send to their grandparents.  The pressure to be perfect is everywhere.  I dived in to motherhood head first.  I wanted to be perfect.  I wanted to make delicious meals for my family every night, do wonderful crafts with my children, play games and do fun learning activities, take them to regular playdates, and do it all while looking cute and stylish. 

After four years of being a mom, I have finally come to the conclusion that that's not possible.  I can't do it all.  I don't know who I've been trying to impress all this time.  I'm learning that good is enough.  I still want to give 100%.  But that doesn't mean I have to do it all.  It's okay if most days we stay in our pajamas.  It's okay if all we do all day is play trains.  It's okay if we're eating chicken nuggets for dinner.  Again.  I don't have to be perfect.  No one has ever asked perfection of me.  I just have to be who I was created to be.  I have to be the wife, the mom, the daughter, the friend that the Lord has made me to be.  That means failing in some areas.  That means settling for good when better is possible. 

Because better is always possible.  And if I'm always chasing after better I will never be content.  I will always be running, always tired, always chasing after something I won't be able to achieve.  Because someone will always be a better homeschooler than me.  Someone will always be a better cook than me.  Someone will always be more thoughtful, have more time.  And if I'm chasing after better I'm going to miss what is right here in front of me.  I'm going to miss my little boys growing up.  I will miss the way my middle son's face lights up when he hears "If You're Happy and You Know It" or my oldest asking me for one more "squirt hug" because "I love you and I have to show you."  I'll miss the way my youngest looks at me and smiles with his whole body.  And all of that is so much better.  That's the better I want to chase after. 

I'm tired of running.  Tired of trying to be better.  I'm ready to stop and accept good.  It's not going to be easy.  And that doesn't mean that I won't be doing new activities with my children or trying new recipes.  It just means that I'm going to give myself a break and enjoy the life that I have without worrying about how I can be doing better.  What about you?  Are you tired of trying to be better?  Won't you join me and enjoy this life.  Let's accept good enough together.